Act 3 Scene 1
King: You can’t find a single reason why he’s acting so crazy?
Rosencrantz: I mean, he said that he’s confused but he’s not saying why.
Guildenstern: And he’s avoiding, like, all our questions.
Queen: Well, were you nice to him?
Rosencrantz: Yes. He wasn’t too interested in us, but we passed some actors and he seemed to like them.
Polonius: That’s true.
King: Okay, well, go indulge him in that interest.
Rosencrantz: Um. Alright.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
King: I think he’s acting so crazy because he’s in love with you Ophelia
Queen: Yeah I hope it’s your beauty
Polonius: We will listen and spy on your conversation with Hamlet to determine if this is the reason why.
Queen exits. Polonius and King hide. Exit Ophelia.
Hamlet: “To be, or not to be: that is the question:” Death is like a little sleep which wouldn’t be so bad, so maybe I should just kill myself… but then again, who knows what comes after death? What if it’s worse? On the other hand, all this suffering is kind of a drag. Arrogant men, unrequited love, bad customer service… I mean, who wants to endure all that? The only reason we don’t all kill ourselves is because we’re scared of what comes after death. pause Shoot, here comes Ophelia.
Ophelia: How are you?
Hamlet: Good, good. Yeah, good.
Ophelia: I have some letters that you wrote me that I will give back to you.
Hamlet: … But I didn’t give you anything.
Ophelia: No, you did! Beautiful letters and goods! But their beauty is fading away now, so take them back. That usually happens when the giver turns out to be an asshole.
Hamlet: Uhh, are you modest? Are you beautiful?
Ophelia: What are you talking about?
Hamlet: I’m saying that if you are modest and beautiful, your modesty should have nothing to do with your beauty.
Ophelia: What do you mean? How can beauty relate to modesty?
Hamlet: Well, you see, beauty can more easily turn a modest girl into a whore than can modesty turn a beautiful girl into a virgin. Yeah, you know, that used to confuse me about you, but now I’ve figured it out. I’m realising that I never did love you, you know.
Ophelia: You don’t? I believed you.
Hamlet: You shouldn’t have. We’re all messed up, you can’t have trusted what I said.
Ophelia: I guess you fooled me then.
Hamlet: Matter of fact, why don’t you go save yourself from ruining yourself even more and get yourself to a nunnery? I’m already ruined, and we can’t have any more of that in the world. Just go.