Act 3 Scene 1
King: You can’t find a single reason why he’s acting so crazy?
Rosencrantz: I mean, he said that he’s confused but he’s not saying why.
Guildenstern: And he’s avoiding, like, all our questions.
Queen: Well, were you nice to him?
Rosencrantz: Yes. He wasn’t too interested in us, but we passed some actors and he seemed to like them.
Polonius: That’s true.
King: Okay, well, go indulge him in that interest.
Rosencrantz: Um. Alright.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
King: I think he’s acting so crazy because he’s in love with you Ophelia
Queen: Yeah I hope it’s your beauty
Polonius: We will listen and spy on your conversation with Hamlet to determine if this is the reason why.
Queen exits. Polonius and King hide. Exit Ophelia.
Enter Hamlet
Hamlet: “To be, or not to be: that is the question:” Death is like a little sleep which wouldn’t be so bad, so maybe I should just kill myself… but then again, who knows what comes after death? What if it’s worse? On the other hand, all this suffering is kind of a drag. Arrogant men, unrequited love, bad customer service… I mean, who wants to endure all that? The only reason we don’t all kill ourselves is because we’re scared of what comes after death. pause Shoot, here comes Ophelia.
Enter Ophelia.
Ophelia: How are you?
Hamlet: Good, good. Yeah, good.
Ophelia: I have some letters that you wrote me that I will give back to you.
Hamlet: … But I didn’t give you anything.
Ophelia: No, you did! Beautiful letters and goods! But their beauty is fading away now, so take them back. That usually happens when the giver turns out to be an asshole.
Hamlet: Uhh, are you modest? Are you beautiful?
Ophelia: What are you talking about?
Hamlet: I’m saying that if you are modest and beautiful, your modesty should have nothing to do with your beauty.
Ophelia: What do you mean? How can beauty relate to modesty?
Hamlet: Well, you see, beauty can more easily turn a modest girl into a whore than can modesty turn a beautiful girl into a virgin. Yeah, you know, that used to confuse me about you, but now I’ve figured it out. I’m realising that I never did love you, you know.
Ophelia: You don’t? I believed you.
Hamlet: You shouldn’t have. We’re all messed up, you can’t have trusted what I said.
Ophelia: I guess you fooled me then.
Hamlet: Matter of fact, why don’t you go save yourself from ruining yourself even more and get yourself to a nunnery? I’m already ruined, and we can’t have any more of that in the world. Just go.